The Five Hardest Decisions You’ll Have to Make While Unemployed

What cereal to embark upon when you roll out of bed at 11:45. It’s 11:45 in the morning, aka fifteen minutes before noon- the appropriate time for real world lunch. You glance to your phone to find three missed calls from your mother and a text message from your father “GET UP NOW AND DON’T FORGET TO PICK UP MY SHOES WHEN YOU VACUUM MY ROOM.” You call your mother back pretending you were in the shower and doing errands and oh my god I totally forgot about my phone!!!!!!! You stumble downstairs. You look in the pantry to find your father’s Frosted Flakes which he so cleverly wrote “PROPERTY OF CRAIG’S, NOT YOURS. DO NOT TOUCH.” Frosted Flakes or a handful of Oatmeal Crisp. Do they even make that anymore? You pour a heaping bowl of your pop pop’s cereal which might be the equivalent to four and a half servings, but who cares? You don’t have a job you need to look good in business casual for. You stroll to the fridge to find the one thing that could make this tiny morning better: no milk. Thanks to Mumsicle, Popsicle, and Mr. Milkman.

What jeans do you wear: the ones with one hole or two. All of these holes are located in the crotchital area of the jeans, by the way. Which ones are less noticeable by the tan couch while sitting on the green couch watching John Tucker Must Die for the eighteenth time?

Where to go to lunch with your father praying he doesn’t stand you up. Considering you just woke up, you’ve got to scramble after your dry bowl of cereal to send a hopeful text to your dad that looks something like “Hey Dad, Eats or Red Stripe today? I’m thinking Red Stripe. 12:30? Love you!!!” praying he says yes or even proposing a later time so you have time to look somewhat presentable with somewhat dry hair. You hop in the shower and half-heartedly wash your hair only to return to a text that says “Eats. Now.” Shit.

What order to do your daily activities in. Today, you have to (HAVE TO) go to Starbucks, pick up your father’s laundry, return Mary Poppins to the library (because of that one time you watched it with your niece and this is what she wanted, NOT because you watch it on the reg for the accents), and playing with Kitty. Yes, that is your cat’s name because, gosh let’s just say it, you’re too darn busy to give him a real name. In anyone else’s opinion, this might be a mundane day, but wait just a minute- you are making a trip to the LIBRARY TODAY. That’s almost to the other side of town! Also: another major decision of the day lies within- do you go inside or the drive-thru of Starbucks? This one decision could change the way your entire day pans out. Plan accordingly.

Whether or not to cry because you missed the first three episodes of Laguna Beach on #RetroMTV. Why wasn’t there some sort of message sent directly to your phone or bedside table in the form of a nice chocolate covered fruit basket to let you know of this gem? You have now missed the opener to the worst reality series in the history of reality series. Cry. Definitely cry.

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